Something Borrowed...

Apparently that was my friendship with Chela (not her real name).

I'd read the book "Something Borrowed" and just saw the movie today.  LOVED the movie, but it kind of opened up some festering wounds.

You see, the book is about Darcy and Rachel, who are BFFs. Rachel introduces Darcy to her classmate Dex, even though Rachel loves him. Fast-forward to Darcy and Dex's impending wedding and Rachel and Dex's secret burgeoning relationship that has been lurking under the surface for years. Even though Darcy cheated on Dex, she still felt the utter betrayal of her friend Rachel on the eve of her wedding (which was called off). There's hypocrisy and betrayal and raw feelings.

My story:  Chela and I met on my first day of Grade 9. I'd moved to a new high school 3 weeks into the year. Chela was chosen by the teacher to be my escort for the day. She begrudgingly obliged (she let me in on that secret years and years later). Chela and I became inseparable. We were a package deal with everyone and everything.  I lived entire weekends at her house. She was my maid of honour in my wedding. She was my person. But I always had to tip-toe around her. I couldn't be happier than her, I couldn't be more successful than her, I couldn't be better than her, I couldn't be in first place with her.  She was my Darcy.

Chela and I "divorced" once for less than a year when I got my first serious boyfriend (at 18).  She was pissed that I had a boyfriend, was growing up, was drinking, was sexually active, was happy without her.

I could tell she was secretly jealous when I got engaged.  Her boyfriend did not ever want to get married.

As I said, she was the maid of honour in my wedding.  My destination wedding.  I flew her and her boyfriend to Mexico. Put them up in a hotel room. All they had to pay for was incidentals.  She picked out her bridesmaid dress and I had to work around it.  Her dress was about $100.  Her shoes, were about $20 or less.  She could pick her own jewelry. I paid for her make-up, hair, mani/pedi.

Summer 2009, Chela finally suckered her boyfriend into proposing. Their wedding was scheduled for August 2010. I was pregnant when she became engaged. I had my baby in February 2010.  Her other bridesmaid was 9 months pregnant at the wedding (which she was kicked out of... yes, kicked out of).  After I had my baby, I developed severe post-partum depression and anxiety.  Chela expected me to leave my 6 month old for 10 days for the wedding (which was across country from where I lived). This I vehemently would not do. Negotiating less time away was like trying to buy Apple Inc from Steve Jobs for $15.00. So, the only other option was to bring baby with me.  This PETRIFIED me! Baby wasn't on a fantastic schedule and at that point would only sleep with me. So, if I was out at rehearsals, bachelorette parties and weddings, baby would be exhausted and unable to sleep, and in the care of my mum.  Chela's only offer to me, was to fly me and baby out (baby wouldn't cost anything extra). I was able to stay at Chela's house, which is full of pets (2 cats, 2 dogs and a rabbit).  I'd have to cart a million baby things onto a plane (at my expense), find my way from the airport to her house (about $200), stay at her house a few nights and a few nights in a hotel (at my expense), pay $50 for shoes, $300 for a dress, $90 for alterations (because she ordered the dress 3 sizes too big), $60 for jewelry, $45.00 for hair, do my own make-up, do my own mani/pedi, pay for my own incidentals.  (Remember what I paid for her?).

I ended up nearly having a nervous breakdown over the stress of deciding what to do.  My doctor even recommended that I stay home.  He told me that I was not healthy enough to travel. I ended up cancelling a week before the wedding. Yes, it was shitty to wait so long before cancelling, but I thought that I could will myself onto that plane.  Chela had every right to be mad at the situation, but she had no right to be mad at me.  It's not like I didn't want to be there, it's that I couldn't be there.  I couldn't afford the monetary expense, I couldn't afford to be away from my family (especially baby), I couldn't afford the emotional toll.  And, after being my BFF for 17 years not a single ounce of her understood.

I felt a deep connection with "Something Borrowed".  I didn't cheat on my BFF with her Fiance, but I did chose my family over her.  It was at her expense.  Apparently to her, because of that, our friendship was easily tossed aside like none of it mattered.  I didn't come to my decision to back out of her wedding lightly  (as you can tell).

Her MOMMY sent me an email telling me how horrible of a human being I am (making my fragile mental state all-the-more delicate).  After 17 years, Chela, herself couldn't tell me to go fuck myself.  THAT shows me there how much she truly valued me.

Being the bigger person and trying to extend an olive branch (because, silly me, I just couldn't toss aside a 17 year friendship without a second thought) I sent Chela a one-liner email a few times.

"Congratulations on your wedding"

"Happy Birthday"

"Merry Christmas"

And that's where I left it.

There's been a year of silence from her.  She just recently unfriended me from Facebook (that pissed me off, I wanted to unfriend her!)

Even though, our friendship was sometimes toxic, she still was a LARGE part of my life.  A huge chunk.

As much as I'd like to, I can't just say "whatever" and leave it at that.  I'm just hoping that one day it won't hurt so much to think back on those years we spent as each other's shadow.  And, I hope that one day, I can look at my wedding album with happiness again.

It's taken me a year to write this, to get my feelings out.  I can honestly say, I don't fell any better.