Something Borrowed...

Apparently that was my friendship with Chela (not her real name).

I'd read the book "Something Borrowed" and just saw the movie today.  LOVED the movie, but it kind of opened up some festering wounds.

You see, the book is about Darcy and Rachel, who are BFFs. Rachel introduces Darcy to her classmate Dex, even though Rachel loves him. Fast-forward to Darcy and Dex's impending wedding and Rachel and Dex's secret burgeoning relationship that has been lurking under the surface for years. Even though Darcy cheated on Dex, she still felt the utter betrayal of her friend Rachel on the eve of her wedding (which was called off). There's hypocrisy and betrayal and raw feelings.

My story:  Chela and I met on my first day of Grade 9. I'd moved to a new high school 3 weeks into the year. Chela was chosen by the teacher to be my escort for the day. She begrudgingly obliged (she let me in on that secret years and years later). Chela and I became inseparable. We were a package deal with everyone and everything.  I lived entire weekends at her house. She was my maid of honour in my wedding. She was my person. But I always had to tip-toe around her. I couldn't be happier than her, I couldn't be more successful than her, I couldn't be better than her, I couldn't be in first place with her.  She was my Darcy.

Chela and I "divorced" once for less than a year when I got my first serious boyfriend (at 18).  She was pissed that I had a boyfriend, was growing up, was drinking, was sexually active, was happy without her.

I could tell she was secretly jealous when I got engaged.  Her boyfriend did not ever want to get married.

As I said, she was the maid of honour in my wedding.  My destination wedding.  I flew her and her boyfriend to Mexico. Put them up in a hotel room. All they had to pay for was incidentals.  She picked out her bridesmaid dress and I had to work around it.  Her dress was about $100.  Her shoes, were about $20 or less.  She could pick her own jewelry. I paid for her make-up, hair, mani/pedi.

Summer 2009, Chela finally suckered her boyfriend into proposing. Their wedding was scheduled for August 2010. I was pregnant when she became engaged. I had my baby in February 2010.  Her other bridesmaid was 9 months pregnant at the wedding (which she was kicked out of... yes, kicked out of).  After I had my baby, I developed severe post-partum depression and anxiety.  Chela expected me to leave my 6 month old for 10 days for the wedding (which was across country from where I lived). This I vehemently would not do. Negotiating less time away was like trying to buy Apple Inc from Steve Jobs for $15.00. So, the only other option was to bring baby with me.  This PETRIFIED me! Baby wasn't on a fantastic schedule and at that point would only sleep with me. So, if I was out at rehearsals, bachelorette parties and weddings, baby would be exhausted and unable to sleep, and in the care of my mum.  Chela's only offer to me, was to fly me and baby out (baby wouldn't cost anything extra). I was able to stay at Chela's house, which is full of pets (2 cats, 2 dogs and a rabbit).  I'd have to cart a million baby things onto a plane (at my expense), find my way from the airport to her house (about $200), stay at her house a few nights and a few nights in a hotel (at my expense), pay $50 for shoes, $300 for a dress, $90 for alterations (because she ordered the dress 3 sizes too big), $60 for jewelry, $45.00 for hair, do my own make-up, do my own mani/pedi, pay for my own incidentals.  (Remember what I paid for her?).

I ended up nearly having a nervous breakdown over the stress of deciding what to do.  My doctor even recommended that I stay home.  He told me that I was not healthy enough to travel. I ended up cancelling a week before the wedding. Yes, it was shitty to wait so long before cancelling, but I thought that I could will myself onto that plane.  Chela had every right to be mad at the situation, but she had no right to be mad at me.  It's not like I didn't want to be there, it's that I couldn't be there.  I couldn't afford the monetary expense, I couldn't afford to be away from my family (especially baby), I couldn't afford the emotional toll.  And, after being my BFF for 17 years not a single ounce of her understood.

I felt a deep connection with "Something Borrowed".  I didn't cheat on my BFF with her Fiance, but I did chose my family over her.  It was at her expense.  Apparently to her, because of that, our friendship was easily tossed aside like none of it mattered.  I didn't come to my decision to back out of her wedding lightly  (as you can tell).

Her MOMMY sent me an email telling me how horrible of a human being I am (making my fragile mental state all-the-more delicate).  After 17 years, Chela, herself couldn't tell me to go fuck myself.  THAT shows me there how much she truly valued me.

Being the bigger person and trying to extend an olive branch (because, silly me, I just couldn't toss aside a 17 year friendship without a second thought) I sent Chela a one-liner email a few times.

"Congratulations on your wedding"

"Happy Birthday"

"Merry Christmas"

And that's where I left it.

There's been a year of silence from her.  She just recently unfriended me from Facebook (that pissed me off, I wanted to unfriend her!)

Even though, our friendship was sometimes toxic, she still was a LARGE part of my life.  A huge chunk.

As much as I'd like to, I can't just say "whatever" and leave it at that.  I'm just hoping that one day it won't hurt so much to think back on those years we spent as each other's shadow.  And, I hope that one day, I can look at my wedding album with happiness again.

It's taken me a year to write this, to get my feelings out.  I can honestly say, I don't fell any better.

Hard work in hard copy!

I recently started working again after having my baby.  I got a job as an office assistant at the local newspaper.  I LOVE the job!

I was just reading the latest edition and had an over-whelming sense of accomplishment!  Ads that I had constructed have been published!  An obituary that I typed up and submitted has been published!  It's really amazing to see my hard work in hard copy!  It's not often that you get to see the outcome of your effort!  I know it's only obits and items for sale, but it still gives me that warm fuzzy feeling of accomplishment.

Why Wouldn't It Be Clean?

I went through the Tim Hortons drive-thru on my way to work this morning.  Being the one who likes hot coffee (not necessarily being earth conscious), I bring my own travel mug -- ironically purchased at Starbucks.

I handed Tim (seriously, that's his name) my mug and upon opening the lid he quipped to me "Hey!  You're in the Clean Cup Club!"  I asked him what he meant and he clarified that I had a clean cup.  My slightly incredulous response was "Why wouldn't it be clean?"  Tim said that I'd be surprised at how nasty some of the travel mugs are.

There have been:
-sludge (of varying heights)
-rank milk
-leftover coffee
-mould
-crawly things
-science experiments

Gross.

I can't even drink out of the same water cup twice.

Nasty.

F U Skinny Cow!

I love coupons.

I found a coupon for a free Skinny Cow single serve ice cream.  My mum said that Skinny Cow is really great, so I thought "Fantastic!  I can try it for free!"   Wrong choice.

I got the Chocolate Fudge Brownie single serve.  Don't get me wrong, it tasted great!  But now, I'm regretting every. single. bite.

I am itchy head to toe.  My lips are swollen.  I'm on the verge of sneezing my face off.  I've taken a Benedryl, but I'm not sure that it's working.  My lips have reduced about 2%, but I am itchier!

I read the list of ingredients,  but as far as I can tell there is no Yellow no. 5 or Tartrazine in it.  But I'm obviously having an allergic reaction to something in it.

I want to peel my skin off!  ARGH!

Death of the hair pigment!

So, I was plucking some grey hairs last night.  I know, I know, you pluck one and two grow back.  Blah, blah, blah.

Whilst plucking, I realized two things:

1) Unless I intended to stay up all night, this was a futile effort.

2) If I did stay up all night, I'd be bald by morning.

I remember the first grey hair I found.  I was 28 years old. I cried.  Kids truly do give you grey hair.  E was just starting to become more of a teenager, rather than a child; and now that I've had H, my grey hair count has doubled.

They grey hairs used to just congregate around my ears, like lightening bolts.  Now, though, they're attacking my hairline in the middle of my forehead.  The tides are turning.  I'm not admitting defeat just yet, but I am certainly losing the battle against the grey hairs!

Tomorrow, I'm going to buy hair dye.

My Stupid Phone Number

At the beginning of May, M and I switched cell phone providers.  We got to choose our new phone numbers.  We picked numbers that were close to each others.

Ever since then, day and night, without fail, I've gotten a zillion and one phone calls for Kim.  I am not, nor have I ever been Kim.  I swear that she had her cell phone number (my new number) as recently as the day before I picked it!  I've received calls for her from Alberta, down south, locally, from Ontario and even from Vietnam! (I had to Google that one!). She has more friends than me.

Finally, after juggling a thousand things at once and getting yet another phone call for Kim, I broke down and called Telus.  They gave me a new phone number and even "graciously" waived the change fee of $25.00 (I'd have "politely" insisted that they waive the fee anyway).

The next day, I got a phone call for Hazel.

A couple of days later, I got a text for Adam.

Oh the irony!!!

25 Random Facts About Me!

1.  I love making mashed potatoes.  I can make gourmet, pillowy, creamy, whipped mashed potatoes.  I hate mashed potatoes.  They make me gag.

2.  Dish cloths and towels gross me out.  The can just feel the germs crawling all over them.  I am a paper towel hor, as a result.

3.  I have an unbridled fear of ladybugs.  Even sparkly stickered and cartoon ladybugs give me the heebie jeebies.

4.  I have double-jointed elbows.  They can bend backwards about 30degrees.  Makes it really easy to reach under things and around corners.

5.  I grind and gnash my teeth.  I wear a night guard when I sleep.  I have literally ground a hole in my left vampire-fang tooth.

6.  My eyes are three different colours: grey, blue and green.

7.  I suck at lying.  I cannot keep a secret, I cannot keep a straight face, I do not have a poker face, I can't play a practical joke or plan a surprise party.

8.  When I was a kid, I wanted to own a convenience store, so I could eat candy whenever I wanted.  In 6th grade I wanted to be a photographer.  After that I wanted to be a writer and a starving artist in Paris.

9.  I may have eaten a whole bag of Chewy Chips Ahoy in one sitting whilst pregnant.

10.  I love cookies so much, that I try to not have any in the house.

11.  I'm obsessed with Christian Louboutin shoes.

12.  When it comes to movies, I have the memory of a goldfish.  When I go to watch a movie for the second time, it's like I've never watched it before... complete blank.

13.  I am allergic to yellow.  Yes, the colour.  Specifically I am allergic to Yellow dye no. 5 (aka Tartrazine).  It's pretty much in everything.  I have to read every label on everything that I buy.  It makes my mouth and gums itchy and my tongue and throat swell if I consume something with yellow in it.  I thought I was lactose intolerant for about 15 years until I found out that tartrazine is in skim milk, and cheese is not actually orange... it's dyed that way!  Who knew?!

14.  Speaking of milk... I think it tastes like ass and feet.  I do not like milk.  BLEH!

15.  I just recently learned how to spell sauce.  I always used to spell it S-A-U-S-E.

16.  I have never smoked a single cigarette in my entire life.  I could probably even count on one hand every time I've ever held a cigarette (not lit, of course).

17.  I get panicky if I spend over $30 in on transaction.

18.  Ice tastes funny.

19.  If I ever met Paul Walker I would do dirty, nasty, unmentionable, X-rated things to him.  YUM!

20.  I read US Weekly every week.  Religiously.

21.  I blow bubbles in my sleep.  These tiny little air bubbles pop out of my slightly open mouth.  This has actually woken me up on several occasions.

22.  My big toes crack.  I cannot sneak anywhere.

23.  I prefer to be barefoot.  If snow wasn't so cold, I'd be barefoot year round.

24.  I could eat pizza all day, every day.

25.  This has taken me two weeks to write. Procrastinate, much?