One and Done?

I grew up in a small family.  I think because of that, I always wanted a bunch of kids.

I met M when I was 20 years old.  He had a daughter (E) who was 20 months old.  I fell in love with her instantly!  At that very moment, I became a mom.  It was the best thing ever.  But, there was that cellular connection missing.  She was indeed my daughter, but she already had a mom.  I kind of always felt like a back-up mom, even after we got custody of her and moved across the country and away from her birth mom.  I needed to have my own baby.

I waffled for about 5 years before I was ready to get pregnant.  It didn't help that my own mom had been asking when I would get pregnant since I was 23.  I always told her that I'd have a baby by the time I was 30.  Sure enough, I got pregnant and had a baby at 30 years old.

Being H's mom has been the most amazing and spiritual thing I have ever done.  I feel complete as a woman now.  I am fulfilled.  When M and I were discussing children, we had decided to only have one, since we already had E, and she was growing up fast (she's 12 years older than H).  There are days though that I want another baby.  And then there are days where I wonder what the hell I am on!  I hated almost every second of being pregnant.  I was so uncomfortable.  But I do miss one thing about being pregnant.  The baby kicks.  A baby kick is such an intimate, wonderful feeling.  (I have phantom kicks still, which doesn't help on the days that I want another baby).

Not long after I had H, M and I decided that I should probably get my tubes tied.  Since I was "One and Done", it made sense.  Well, six months later I got the call from the surgeon's office.  I missed the call, but listened to the message.  I instantly went into panic mode.  Am I truly one and done?  Why wouldn't I want to do the most amazing thing I've ever done more than once?

M is adamant that we are not going to have another child.

I won't be returning the doctor's phone call.  I cannot go through with the tubal.  I'm only 31.

I'm still holding out hope that M will come around (monkeys might fly out of my ass first), or that I might become a statistic where the pill isn't effective one month (cha!  Right!).